Story Databank
Here you will find personal stories of marginal and at times, outright improper behavior experienced by members of our community. These stories are the tip of the iceberg and serve to illustrate why we feel change is so badly needed. For varying reasons, all stories have been edited so as to retain the anonymity of all parties. It's not the people involved that are the heart of the issue, but the behaviors themselves and the climate that continues to allow them that are our focus. The authors are to be applauded for their willingness to speak out in a sincere effort to bring about change by giving voice to its reasons.Stories from tops, bottoms, subs, slaves, switches, Masters, Mistresses, etc and from all genders are welcome. If you would like your story added, please email it to kim at:
kinkinmotion@gmail.com
i've been active in the scene for around 10 months, as a single sub. i actively attend the various local munches, and scene at the public play parties, and have had multiple people top me, and never really had any issues, nor thought i would. It helps being tall and sort of an "odd one out" anyway, always thought it would nullify me as a "target" of inappropriate behaviour.
About 4 weeks ago, i scened with a Dom, that i had spoken to a few times on Fetlife, and who is well known and very active in the community, even does DM at some events. i generally allow reputation and common sense guide me on who i play with and have been successful picking my partners with that instinct. We had an "ok" scene, nothing spectatular, and certainly not sexual. (i don't mix my play with sexuality, at least not until i find my "One").
The weekend before this last, i scened with my Mentor and friend, a Domme of much skill and integrity at a public play party. This other Dom was present at the event too. The scene with my Domme friend ...was incredible. When we were finishing up, i was still in a daze, space-induced, waking-dream type mind, you know what i'm talking about. i stepped outside the room, and the aforementioned Dom was walking by, and planted his hand fully on my behind, up under my skirt, and looked at me, for lack of better words, leeringly. In my daze i just sort of looked at him, and it didn't really hit me what he had done. i did mention this a few minutes later to my friend, and She asked me how i felt about it, and i stated that "i guess it didn't bother me too much". That was until i really started thinking about it, and my haze had subsided.
A few days later, i put up a few pictures on fetlife, and this Dom made a comment on one, to the effect of my choice of dress style was put out there to tease him, to please him, etc. That's when i started feeling uncomfortable, that this person seems to feel some sort of "ownership" or entitlement to me. It was at this time that i asked my friend, the Domme, to allow me under Her protection, so that at least i feel that comfort, that i'm not out there alone.
This incident certainly doesn't compare to some of the acts of abuse that have occured with some others but it shows how things can accelerate with anyone and everyone. A well-regarded Dom, a fairly experienced subbie. But it makes me ask myself if i was in the wrong, was i giving out false signals, does being topped by someone give them "rights" when the scene ends, etc. It's even put me into a situation of discomfort, where i may not attend another event because i know this person will be there, and i just don't want to put myself into their sphere of influence. i know i can't hide from this person, the scene is way too small, but i certainly won't allow myself to be subject to their advances again. He may not think anything wrong of what he does, and rightly, the thing i need to do is to confront him with my feelings, to tell him that what he is doing is wrong, and will do so with my Domme friends help.
A girl who is single (in our community at least!) was at a munch and I noticed a Dom grabbing the back of her neck and squeezing it and then grabbing and holding her when she tried to get away. He even had his hand on her throat at one point. She was a very good sport about it and later when I asked her why she let him do it her answer was because they played together casually, she considered him a friend, and she did not know how to tell him no so she let him.
A newbie who was brought out into our community to the local munch by her Dom (he had consideration collared her before bringing her out) was sent emails hitting on her on Fetlife and also told what an awful person the Dom she was with was. This went on for a few weeks. She pulled her pictures and eventually her profile. Another young newbie girl from our community was also harassed this way but she, at least did not respond to any of the comments on her wall or picture and he eventually gave up, but she has not been back to any events lately either munches or parties.
I fell into BDSM behaviour in my very own bedroom with my ex-husband long before I had any idea there was a community to speak of. Over 10 years, I spent a lot of time thinking about it's implications, shutting it down for a period of time and then restarting it when I was ready to reconcile my submissive behaviour with remaining a self-assured, capable, feminist person. It became very much about _my choice_ to give. I realized how much I had to give and what a powerful thing that was for a partner to receive the gift. It was magic (and even magick) although I didn't conceptualize that at the time.
I intellectualized and reembodied and then ran it through my head again over and over so by the time I came out into the public scene, I was lucky to have a good idea of what it meant for me and what I'd accept as far as behaviour went. I'd also spent some time in the swing community and the queer community before being out in the kink community. The experience in the swing community taught me about maintaining my personal physical boundaries vigilantly and it taught me to ignore or perhaps tease boys who got drool on me 'cause I dug girls. My experience in the Queer community taught me to be proud and political about the fact I dug girls.
So, one night, after playing with my partner at one of my first play parties in the local scene, a very well known Dominant came up to us and made some typical het male leering comment about hot chicks. It was a bit demeaning, all in fun, but tinged with a familiarity he was not entitled to at the time. I looked at him and scoffed "SNORE", as in "it is so tiresome, how you het boys leer at the hot chicks, go away". My partner, took me aside after the exchange and said "Do you know who that IS?" and therein ensued a discussion about the politics of community and whether I could get away with being kinda disrespectful to a well known Dom.
I had no idea it would be an issue. She wasn't telling me that I shouldn't have said it or that she was upset, just that I ought to know. . .something. . .some kind of consequences might ensue. In retrospect, I'm glad I argued with her about my right to do it and that the "something" that I should be careful about was not as significant to me as it seemed to be to her. I remember forcefully saying that he didn't know me and had no right to presume the familiarity. I had treated him the same way I did the men in the swing clubs. Why should I not? Now was I a bad submissive? No way. I'm not his submissive. We had not agreed to play that game. I was mouthy. I needed to be. It set a precedent. Now, we are friendly, the Dom and me. He still leers but he often asks me first. I say yes and I'll even flash my tits 'cause when you play nice, you ought to be rewarded. And further, I think the said partner of mine ended up respecting my attitude but I'm sure I'll hear about that if I'm wrong.
My point here is the "community" and it's "leaders" can sometimes appear to be a monolith of power that is dangerous to challenge, even to those of us who otherwise like to challenge it. In the end, my motivation for my behaviour was to demand respect. Fortunately, it had not ever occurred to me that a submissive couldn't demand that. I got it. End of issue.
This is a story both about how the support of another helped me and how I also took responsibility for what happened.
I was at a party and another well known fellow who I have to admit I am attracted to in a kind of dangerous, not in my right mind way, got frisky with me in the hot tub. This is a BDSM story, not just a sex story, because the attraction has everything to do with how he expressed Dominance. Anyway, he crossed a line and I let him. Someone else saved my ass and other body parts from further molestation. I had to have a really good think about that situation after it happened. I realized a few things. I was not clear on my boundaries when I got in that hot tub. I let the pull he had on whatever part of me keep me from deciding how far I'd let the flirting go. He didn't ask and he was wrong for that. He did stop when someone else realized I needed an extra brain to think on my behalf. I was grateful it didn't go any farther than it did. So what can I do? Should I raise holy hell about him because I was assaulted in the hot tub? I couldn't in good conscience do that. It doesn't even have so much to do with him, but rather my need to be responsible for myself. Now, when I flirt with him, and I still do, I have a boundary. He respects it. I am constantly careful and constantly remind myself he'll just keep going until I say something. So, I say something.
A couple of years ago I went to my second ever private party. I was still fairly new and hadn't even begun to explore things like limits and boundaries and expectations, but I was also collared and in attendance with my Dominant. That's all the protection a submissive needs, correct? Well.. yes and no.
A bit later in the evening my Dom and I stripped down and got into the hot tub where another couple was already enjoying the steamy water. The other man went wide eyed at the sight of my nipples (which i admittedly took as flattering) and asked if he could touch them. I looked to my Dom who gave the all clear and told the other guy 'yes'. Protocol followed, all was well. Until...
As we continued talking whenever my Dom had his attention elsewhere the guy's hand above water was fondling my nipples and the one that was underwater and out of sight kept finding its way to gently touching then outright exploring my bits below the waist. When my Dom would look back over at us the guys hand would abruptly pull away. The pattern kept repeating until I finally cited too overheating as a reason to get out of the hot tub.
It was obvious that this guy was 'trying to get away with something'. And I was extremely confused as to how to feel. After all he had been given permission to touch me, so why was I feeling so icky? Was I a prude? Had I disappointed my Dom by 'allowing' it to happen?
In hindsight I realize that ALOT went wrong with this scenario on all sides. This guy should NOT have touched me where he was not granted permission to do so. I would chalk it up to ambiguous communication were it not for his 'sneaky' behavior. He was aware he was not to touch me there as evidenced by his only doing it when my Dominant wasn't looking. But also, I should have spoken up and communicated that I wasnt comfortable with what he was doing.
I'm not a prude and I didnt disappoint anyone. A situation happened, I reacted, I processed and I resolved to be more clear in the future. A mistake is nothing more than an opportunity for growth and learning.
At a munch about a year ago, I was present for something that shouldn't have happened. Myself and a female sub were talking to a local Master and his girl. I was never completely comfortable around this guy, but for no concrete reason. This particular evening, he was saying something about how good she'd look with a collar around her neck, and decided suddenly that the way to bring his point home was to quickly reach out and put his hand around her throat. I mostly just avoid him now, though I should have said something to the munch organizer. I certainly keep my ears open for news of him, that's for sure.
and a related incident involving the same man in the same time frame:
Earlier this year I took a friend of mine who was a newish female submissive to a local munch. The man in the above story was there and began to try and convince my friend to allow him to do breathplay on her sometime. She told him she didnt think so as the thought frightened her. He then decided he's just show her what he meant and placed his hands on her mouth/nose/neck to restrict her air intake. I immediately took his hands away and informed him that this was flat out not appropriate behavior for a munch as play is prohibited. After the munch I informed the host of what had happened so he could take action if he saw fit. In fact he did not. He told me the man in question had 'rescued' alot of subs from dangerous situations and was 'a submissive's best friend'. So basically his reputation as a 'friend to subs' is helping to keep his predatory behavior alive and well. The above story also illustrates that this is a pattern with this man and not an isolated incident. It also means that even though organizers are made aware of behaviours little to no action is ever taken. Which basically translates to: watch out for yourselves and your friends and do what you can to keep the predators at bay.
I had a wake-up call some time ago as to being safe in the kinky community. Someone approached me online and we spent weeks bantering back and forth........not so much about kink but about other things i love........art, music, literature. In hindsight that was my first mistake. After weeks of this i next gave him my phone number and we had many many long conversations over a period of a week. Again not really about kink so much but the other things he knew i loved to talk about. Everytime i brought up his orientation, or asked questions about his kinks or fetishs he blew me off saying he didn't like labels..........his profile had everything possible listed so made it very confusing for me to figure out exactly what it was he was seeking........
eventually we agreed to meet for a drink. AND HERE IS WHERE I MADE MY BIG MISTAKE. I admit this and learned from this. I invited him to my home because I wanted to show him art i had in my apartment...........and then head out for a drink from there........now to clarify..........my parents live upstairs and i live on a very busy street so have never had concerns regarding safety in my own home...........
And of course what happened is we talked, sat for hours and hours just talking........when it was time to leave a kiss turned into something else and before i knew it i was experiencing pain unlike anything i've ever experienced before in my life.......
The next day a friend was over and i asked them to look closely at my genitals as i was experiencing extreme pain and discomfort............he did and recommended that i go and see a doctor as it looked pretty bad...........
I felt very foolish for my part in letting this happen in part because i let him into my house, i let him kiss me, i let him touch me............so i spent the next few days trying different ways to soothe my pain.
5 days later after i had to attend a 3 day course where sitting was so extremely uncomfortable i left the seminar and went directly to a walk-in clinic. I was fortunate enough to be able to see my own doctor who is aware of my bdsm side............and his first words to me were........."did you not use your safe word?" ............how cute is that?
i said to him that by the time i realized i was hurt it was too late. i did ask him to stop and he did.........he also left and never talked to me after even though i did let him know the next day that he had hurt me and i was in more pain than i had ever experienced. This is when i knew he was a predator.............because his lack of care after was my biggest biggest surprise.
My doctor to this day doesn't really know what happened............we can only surmise that i perhaps was fisted...............in the throes of an orgasm, gushing, eyes closed........i did not see what happened............i only felt searing pain. What my doctor found is rips and tears and abrasions from my clitoris to my anus, with the addition of tears to both my urethra and my cervix. He confirmed how excruciatingly painful this would be and that really I just had to let time heal it.
It took more that a month to heal, and 8 months later there is still parts internally that if touched I experience pain.
I'm posting this because it took me a long time to ask someone in the bdsm community about this. I felt like a stupid idiot. I felt that I broke all of my own rules about safety. And it scared me that I could have been hurt physically.
It was a wake up call to me to not be seduced by charming and to always be aware of not knowing someone on the internet especially. I would never ever take that chance again with myself. And I do know at the time i felt like i wasn't subbie enough or tough enough or too wimpy............but in the end i know i didn't consent to being hurt in that way. i do know that as stupid, and dirty, and in pain as i was..............it didn't feel right and i asked questions. i got assistance and i got advice and i'm glad i reached out. it taught me a lot.
A few things I learned is too look at their profile, their descriptions, and particularly their friends list. If it's all beautiful women then beware. For that is a good sign of a player and not someone known in the community. Play with people known in the community. The person should have male and female friends. The person that did this to me bragged he wasn't known in the community cause he had contempt for the community...............that should have been the big red flag for me there. I've never really been a group joiner or group follower so it didn't alarm me at the time. I've since learned that it should have.
I met C last summer. We'd talked briefly online several months earlier, then started talking again in July. We met, hit it off, and started dating. He was incredibly charming. He told me I was beautiful, asked to meet my family (with the exception of one boyfriend who met my siblings, no one had ever met my family), spent so much time with me. We'd be up until all hours of the night talking. He was so intelligent, a PhD student, a seemingly natural Dom. When he asked me to go on vacation with him to Portland for his birthday, I jumped at the chance. I got to ski and surf in the same day.
When we came back from vacation, we spent almost all our time together. My grandparents, whom I'd been living with, were concerned, but I thought they were just being over protective. I spent a few days with C in London, and my grandfather nearly called the police to report me kidnapped. I think they saw something in him that I couldn't.
C had said he was going to spend the winter out west, and I couldn't bear to be without him after only having dated a month, so I applied for a job there on a whim. I thought if I had a reason to be there too, that we could be together more often. I got the job. Completely floored, I told C and we decided that I would fly out, and he would follow immediately afterwards. This was about five weeks after starting to see each other.
I left at the end of September, and he didn’t arrive for almost a month. When he finally came, he was a completely different person. Cold, distant, hyper-aggressive, mean, hurtful. I did my absolute best to be obedient to him and make him happy, and in turn he made me miserable. His punishments were grossly exaggerated - he permanently banned me from the entire second story of our loft apartment for deciding on my own to get cable TV for $12 a month. Not being allowed upstairs meant I would never be able to sleep with him, and instead was given a foam mattress to sleep on the floor downstairs. I couldn’t have work friends over, because they would see how I (an executive) was living. He would leave me for days, taking my cell phone so I was cut off from communicating with anyone, as the computer was upstairs, where I wasn't allowed. He hit me in anger, backhanding me so hard across the face that my ear bled. He systematically cut me off from everyone I knew. He monitored my email, livejournal, fetlife. He checked my cell phone constantly, most of the time taking it away all together. He threatened my life twice. I was forbidden from going out on my own to meet new friends in the community, and of course he would never go with me. I was to pretend to be his roommate when he had other girls over to play. To prove I trusted him, he would ask that I give him the money in my bank account, no questions asked. Once it was $1000, which he took to across the border to pay his credit cards, supposedly. He told me I was fat - that he was a "10" and I was less than half that on the "attractiveness scale". I would never be good enough for him. He ignored my safeword when I tried to stop him from breaking one of my Big Three hard limits, forcing me into what is really an illegal activity. I was so degraded and disgusted that I threw up on the floor. Guess how I had to clean it up?...
In December, he bruised my arms so badly that I couldn't wear the dress I'd picked out for my work holiday party. I confessed what was happening to my secretary at work, who saw me crying on the phone on the street outside our office, after C called me to ream me out for not having enough milk. She took pictures of my bruises and urged me to leave him.
I kept giving him chances. He would hurt me, physically, emotionally, then tell me if I had done -x- differently, then he wouldn't have to hurt me. He made me think everything was my fault, and that he was just trying to help me, to help us and make our relationship stronger. I kept loving him, until I knew for sure he didn't love me at all. He knew how much it meant to me that we have Christmas together as a starting family, and promised me over and over that we would spend Christmas day together. A few days before Christmas, I asked him if I should buy a turkey and stuff for Christmas dinner. He said no - that he had been invited to Christmas with another girl's family that he had been seeing, and that I would be allowed to "tag along" if I pretended I was his roommate. I was crushed, and he didn't understand at all, even knowing my family history. He told me we should just go our separate ways, and I just agreed, finally seeing a way out of the relationship. I started packing, and hours later, he had another girl upstairs tied and naked, while I packed my things in my room. The next day, he tried to reconcile, and I let him talk. I knew he wouldn't let me leave - I was his meal ticket. He had plans to go see the other girl over the weekend before Christmas, then would supposedly come back for me to take me to her parents as the roommate. I let him go, booked my flight, and arranged to ship what little I could take with me back to Canada. While he was gone, I asked him directly if he loved me, not knowing if I was really doing the right thing. When he sidestepped the question, yelling at me for daring to ask that, and saying no, I knew I was right to leave. I was so numb I didn't even cry until I was back in Canada.
Through all of this, I had one friend who was there for me. I met her at the one munch I went to before C arrived. She supported me, helped me see through his false promises and helped me see that what he was doing wasn't D/s - it was abuse. When I was finally ready to leave, she dropped everything to help me. I am so grateful to her.
C has since been arrested and charged with multiple counts of assault and other crimes, against another submissive girl from the community, with me as a witness (as the assaults against me occurred in the US). He preys upon young women, and is now out on bail.
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